Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

There are days when it's fun to be alive, when everything is going well, the people around you are happy, when work is bearable, you're not being tortured by past mistakes and sorrows and your outlook for the future is cheerful.

Then there are days like today.

It is the weather? Is it chemical? Is it fatigue? A combination? None of the above? It really doesn't matter, because it simply IS. There are days when, as the old saying goes, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Everything is uphill; nothing is easy. Everything looks dark and nothing looks like it's going to work out.

Maybe it was the dream I had in my shortened night's sleep of the good old church days, being around all the people who were doing so much better than I was, who were supposedly doing God's will, growing and becoming more like Jesus (or so they said, anyway), while I was piddling around in my self-doubt, not converting anyone to be twice the Son of Hell that everyone else was converting. I felt so left out.

Maybe it's the neverending pile of unresolvable crap at my job, the people I'll never be able to make happy with any decision I make, who blame me for things far and away beyond my control, but because it's MY name on the bottom of the letter, it became my responsibility in their eyes.

Maybe it's the dreams of a better life that seem to always be just out of reach.

Maybe it's my dreams for others that seem to be out of reach, because I cannot control their choices or change their minds.

Maybe, just maybe, it's simply the weather.

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